An ever-ruder culture tests people's courtesy

April 13, 2002

If you think Americans are rude and disrespectful, the research group Public Agenda says you have a lot of company.

In its most recent report, "Aggravating Circumstances," Public Agenda surveyed more than 2,000 people across the country. Almost nine out of 10 said they often encounter rude people, four out of five said rudeness was a serious problem for our society, three of four said the problem is worse than it used to be and three of five said it bothers them a lot.

Oh, and two out of five admitted to being rude themselves.

What, never? No, never! What, never? . . . Hardly ever. Surely there are times when rudeness is called for.

But Public Agenda's results can be read in many ways. For instance, asked about the insults of daily life, 58 percent (63 percent in urban areas) of the respondents said they "often" come across drivers "who are aggressive and reckless on the road." And two-thirds say it bothers them a lot.

Bear in mind a couple of quibbles. Who knows what different people mean by "often"? And people who do something reckless in a car may be distracted rather than disrespectful.

Still, taking the responses at face value, what distinguishes the people who encounter this distressing behavior often and the 40-plus percent who say they don't? It's unlikely to be the actual traffic they are in, because they must all drive the same roads and bad driving tends to be a rather public affair.

I suspect the difference is not so much what they see as what they remember. There's a phenomenon I call "selective reinforcement," though I'm sure it has a more formal name in the psychology literature. If you habitually run a tally in your head of some behavior that bugs you, it will seem more common than it really is. For instance, a guy who believes (contrary to the insurance companies' research) that women are worse drivers than men will pull into his driveway fuming over the one or two he saw who confirmed his prejudices, while the number of equally bad male drivers who crossed his path made no lasting impression at all.

The people who say they are unbothered by rude drivers just aren't keeping score. Does it happen to them? Not that they recall.

Cell phones are another pet peeve. Half of the survey sample said they often see "people who use their cell phones in a loud or annoying manner in public places."

Yes, if people are having conversations in places where they shouldn't be, such as concerts or plays, that's rude and annoying. But on a street or in a restaurant, where an in-person conversation would be unremarkable, what possible difference can it make if one party to the conversation is elsewhere?

Have I, personally, heard people making loud or annoying cell-phone conversations? Not that I recall.

Third on the public's list of bothersome behavior is "people who use bad or rude language out loud in public." On this issue, I'm with Gilbert & Sullivan, who wrote in Iolanthe, "When you're lying awake with a dismal headache and repose is taboo'd by anxiety / I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in, without impropriety."

Of course the language you choose to indulge in when life deals you a mysteriously frozen computer or a misplaced hammerblow may make you feel worse, but that's your problem, not mine.

Casual obscenity -- as distinct from the kind induced by a frozen computer or a misplaced hammerblow -- is undoubtedly more common, along with indifference as to who hears you use it. That bothers me, but is it important? Not really.

I do feel sorry for people who obviously don't know any better.

Perhaps what Public Agenda has found is simply that there are more people than there used to be who are easily bothered, or think they have a right not to be bothered and react with anger when they are.

Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, talks about the useful habit of finding non-angry-making reasons for the irritating behavior of others. Their behavior doesn't change, but you feel better.

Every once in a while, not often, I get a call from someone who is angry for no apparent reason. I can feel the weight of the chip on his shoulder down the length of the telephone wire. You know what? I bet he meets rude people everywhere he goes. And it makes him really, really angry.